The Stuart Family Values 2 :The Captain's daughter
by Katherine NotGreat
Summary: A situation comedy taking place in the 1931 London. It's New year Eve ,and a certain shadow from the past is haunting the peculiar Stuart family's nursery window - but Wendy's eldest daughter is now a teenager..besides, what will Father say?
1. Act One scenes 1&2

The Stuart Family Values

Part 2

The Captain's Daughter _**Or Time To Grow Up**_

_Setting: London, year 1931 A.D. (3 years after Part 1)_

_Apartment at Bloomsbury, 14. New Year Eve._

**Scene 1** Sitting–room at the Stuarts' place

_Mrs. Wendy Stuart (alone, adding final touches here and there, trying to make the room look more presentable)_

**Wendy:** So, we've made it through another year…Oh, my goodness, how the time flies! It's as if only yesterday John, Michael and I were mere children – merry, innocent and heartless – and what now? I'm almost forty and a mother of 3 children who are no longer small, John is well-off, married and settled (shame on him! pretending not to know a single story to tell their only daughter!) and as for Michael (_sighs_)..the grass has been green over him for almost 13 years by now…(_Notices the falling garland on the wall and climbing the ladder to fix it)_ So when did it all happen – just yesterday or an eternity ago? When I was a little girl, forty seemed to me the end of lifetime – _old and done for – _but now I'm approaching this age myself, and still stupid enough to feel so young, as if my life is only beginning now, as if something very important is yet to happen ! (_Laughs bitterly) _Curious, isn't it?

_(Unseen by her, enters James Stuart, her husband, the former Captain Hook)_

**James **Curious and curiouser, Mrs. Stuart! May I ask, my lady, what are you actually doing up there?

**Wendy** (_startled):_Oh, it's you, James! Well, actually trying to make the room look more presentable and save our dearest Aunt another 30 minutes of criticism… (_Smiles)_And, darling, I believe that after 18 years of marriage and birth of 3 children we could more often stick to the first name basis!

**James**: Still I do hope Old Girl won't show up in my…er..in _our _study. However, I was laboring under delusion you rather enjoyed the old-fashioned gallantry, my beauty.

**Wendy: (**_teasingly_**) **And you see I'm not denying this fact either! Sometimes I do regret coming back from Neverland to our era instead of yours! (_Dreamingly)_Just imagine a poor clerk's daughter being addressed as Duchess of Monmouth, Countess of Doncaster, spouse of Lord Lieutenant of Staffordshire… Ouch! (_nearly falls down from the ladder)_

**James** (_catching her_): And as you always say referring to your unworthy husband_, "_pride always has a fall", my dear madam_. (Fixes the garland without using the ladder)_So perhaps better for my wife to have less ambition? And besides, you are forgetting, my beauty, that in my former life I actually _was_ married, and even had 7 children from Duchess Anne, no less

**Wendy** (_chuckles_): So yes, in your former life it'd never occur to you to complain that no children loved you, honey!

**James (**_wisely pretending not to have heard the comment): …_so it would be silly of me to add bigamy to my numerous other transgressions…

**Wendy: (**_mockingly_**) **What do I hear? – my husband actually admitted he had done certain transgressions in his life – unbelievable! Haven't you always thought yourself to be quite flawless, my lord?

James (_in the same manner_): And what do you expect from your "Old Vanity" – after having heard your righteous reprimands for nearly two decades? (_Laughing_) Still, it's New Year Eve – a time to make a fresh start…

**Wendy (**_also laughs_**): **_**One more**_fresh start, darling. And that's what we are doing every year!

**James **: Exactly! Turning a new leaf and making new resolutions!

**Wendy: **Do you believe the resolution we'd made long ago wasn't enough?

**James: **I wasn't saying that, my beauty. But old habits die hard, you know. (_grins_)And you are unfortunate enough, my lady, to have a _very _old husband…

**Wendy (**chortles): Now I see the man I had married!

**James :**So, Mrs. Stuart, why are we in a not exactly festive mood tonight? Surely your precious Aunt won't be as overbearing as she used to be years ago? And your _charming_ sister-in-law is hardly her competitor, I dare say…

**Wendy (**_getting serious again)_Oh, James, but sometimes I also feel as if I was from another age myself! Everything is so different now – ideas, viewpoints, politics, fashions, even music, - everything has changed in quite a short time period!

**James (**_looking with understanding). _Now, now, my lady, it won't do to be so dismal tonight. We may be not on the throne by now, but we Stuarts are still not defeated either, are we? And don't you think I am not worrying about our eldest daughter….

**Wendy **_(with a faint smile)_**: **Who'd have imagined the Scrouge of the Seven Seas to be so overprotective! (_A final look at the room)_Perhaps we could continue this talk in the kitchen? I haven't finished there yet..

**James : **Suggestion accepted, my lady. As for Jane, it is evident she considers herself to be quite grown-up…

**Wendy : **Eventually_,_darling,as you had put it in _our_ book, all children grow up, except …

**James(**_frowning_**):**Beg pardon, Mrs**. **Stuart,but I'd prefer not to develop this subject tonight…

**Wendy (**_gives him a light kiss): __**Oui, mon capitaine!**_

**James** (_now in afar better mood_) So, as I was saying…

_(They exit)_

_Scene2 Nursery _

**Jane (**_pacing nervously to and fro): _No, it's not fair! It'. Isn't. Fair!!! How mean of them to make me stay indoors as if I were some little girl like Mary Anne ! And that's for my helping Ma with the supper and putting rooms in order and all that stuff! So here I am sitting in this stupid nursery when ALL my friends are having fun at Kathy Holmes'! _(Caresses a big Persian cat with a deep sigh)_Just imagine, Davy Jones: a huge New Year gathering; a really great dancing party with an invited jazz band, a presenter form Music Hall…Such glamour!

**Michael (**_from his desk, unexpectedly):_And Charlie Parkinson as well!

**Jane (**_startled)_: Michael George Stuart! Were you here all the time, little eavesdropper?

**Michael: **I was reading, as a matter of fact. And then how could I leave and miss you playing a drama queen?

**Jane: **Oh, were you? And what can a six years my junior bookworm possibly know about my private affairs and Charlie in particular?

**Michael**_(innocently) _You know, sis, even the nursery walls can have ears…

**Jane:** Well, it doesn't matter now. "Cause Charlie Parkinson _will _go to the party, and I _can't…(Frowns)_And for sure Lucy Harker will do her best to get him. Oh, that Lucy Harker! Flirting with him as if he were her beau already! _(clenches her fists)_Just you wait, I'll teach you a lesson one of these days! (_Throws a dictionary across the room)_

**Michael: (**_from under the desk)_Wow, that's what I call a narrow escape!

**Jane: OHH!!!**_(collapses onto her bed, exhausted _) Better for Jane Gertrude Stuart that she had NEVER been born!

**Michael**: Hey, that's plagiarism, sis!

**Jane: **What do you mean, little brat? (_Suddenly suspicious)_Michael! Don't you tell me that you had had a peep into Pa's old log book as well!

**Michael **_(contentedly)_Sure I had, sis. And it's our good luck that Mary Anne cannot read _yet, _or else she'd squeak about it to Pa and we'd be done for!

**Mary Anne (**_entering the room)_What, _I _can't read? I can read, I can, I can! I can read to you ANY of them fairy tales from Ma's big book!

**Jane **_(with a patronizing air)_Dear May, reading and telling from memory are different things, you know.

**Mary Anne (**_annoyed)_Don't call me May, it's a baby name. I am Marianne _**Eleanor**_ Stuart, if you please!

_Michael giggles._

**Jane: **Oh, for goodness sake, May! You are _**Mary Anne**_ Stuart, without any Eleanors in the middle! Stop inventing rubbish and trifling with names!

**Mary Anne **_(stubbornly)_I'm not inventing anything ! I am MARIANNE ELEANOR, and stop aggeryvating me, you two!

**Michael (**_snorts):Aggravating, _you little niminy-piminy chit!

**Mary Anne (**_ready to cry), _Oh, I'll go and tell Ma and Pa that you are calling me names again!(_Rushes out of the room)_

**Michael (**_sighs and takes his book up again, as if nothing had happened)_Now she'll go and tell them that we were bullying her! A nice New Year Eve, after all!

**Jane (**_resigned) _I don't care anymore! Nothing could be worse than not going to Kathy's New Year party! Oh, it's all Pa's doing! I am sure I could have persuaded Ma to let me go, were it not for him! (_Pouts like a baby)_He and his 300 years old principles!

**Michael **_2 50 _years old principles, to be more correct, sis.

**Jane **No need to be so precise, Michael. What I mean is that his ideas about young girls and their ways of life are terribly outdated! I love Pa, but I am just sick and tired of his meddling into my private affairs!

**Michael (**_slyly_**) **Still cannot forgive him for your breaking up with Fred Cunnigham, eh, sis?

**Jane (**_blushes)_ And for _that _too. Fred was such a nice date! I am sure he would have _never_ stopped courting me if Pa hadn't had a word with him at Music Hall !

**Michael(**_laughing)_Oh, how can anyone forget that picture – poor old Freddy taking to his heels during intermission as if the Phantom of the Opera- no, a whole bunch of ghosts were after him!

**Jane : **I _don't_ see the fun of it! Neither is anything funny about Tom Randall you were teasing me about last year!

**Michael: **Oh, that "Angel of Music" of yours? The chap from a jazz band who played the saxophone?

**Jane: **_(angry)_Well_, _not _mine _any longer.I had my own doubts about inviting him to our place, but it never occurred to me he'd stop speaking to me at all after his first visit here! As if we were strangers, indeed!

**Michael: **Jane, I believe he did care for you. I guess old Tom was just scared out of his wits. You know Pa can be imposing at times…

**Jane: **_At times_, hahaha! He's ALWAYS like that – watching over me like a dragon, as if I were to elope tomorrow with some blackguard!

**Michael**_(teasingly)_So you're NOT going to elope, sis?

**Jane: **Of course not, stupid! I'm only graduating form school this spring! And how could I possibly do it – fly out of this window or what?

Suddenly the window curtains start trembling a little, as if a light breeze got into the room

**Michael**_(startled)_Look!

**Jane** (_annoyed) _What on Earth should I look at?

**Michael: **Looks like someone was at the window a minute ago ! Perhaps it was _Him?_

**Jane **Who?

**Michael** (_excited):_The Flying Boy!

**Jane (**_bored_**):**You mean Peter Pan ? Fiddlesticks! It goes very well for a family legend, but I'm not Mary Anne to believe in fairytales !

**Michael (**_indignantly)_Peter Pan is NOT a fairytale! Ma never lies to us! Besides, if it were not for Peter Pan, Ma would have never met Pa!

**Jane** (_sarcastically): _Oh yes, Pa fell in love with Ma when she was twelve, he made her walk the plank because she wouldn't love him in return, and when that plank affair didn't work, they got married and lived happily ever after, and had children whose Grandpa _was _King Charles II!

**Michael (**_seriously)_In spite of your nonsense talk, sis, we still _are _King Charles' grandchildren, after all! No kidding!

**Jane (**_morosely): _And what's the use of having a father with such an awesome background and such tumultuous past, if we are not allowed to utter a single word about it? Not a half –word, even to Great–Aunt Milly, let alone other relatives and friends? For outsiders, Pa is just an elderly tiresome schoolteacher crazy about Good Form!

**Michael: **I say,you are being too hard upon him, sis! As far as I know, Pa is far from tiresome! And Great-Aunt Milly is too keen on Good Form herself to stand any competitors by her side !

**Jane**_(smiles)_Michael George Stuart, you know how to cheer up a person! (_Suddenly jumps up)_And speaking of Great-Aunt, I guess she'll be here at any minute…

**Michael:** Oh my….

**Jane:…**so we must stop whining and go to the living room. I think Ma needs some more help, and Uncle John and Aunt Gladys are about to come as well.

**Michael: **OK, come along!

_As they leave the nursery a hint of a shadow appears at the window and vanishes again…._


	2. Act One scene 3

Scene 3 Kitchen

_Wendy and James are deeply in discussion while making the final preparations_

**Wendy:…**however, James, I still do think you've been too hard on her tonight, and I have my doubts about the outcome of all this.

**James: **Too hard? Do you, my lady, call forbidding her to go to that silly party being too hard? (_Indignantly)_In my times, she'd have been locked up in her room on mere bread and water for no less than a week- and perhaps that would teach your daughter to show some respect to her parents!

**Wendy: **_My _daughter, darling? Why, doesn't it seem to you, so to say, unfair, that when Jane is behaving herself, getting good marks, or making progress in her music studies, she is always "My daughter" and a "True Stuart", and when she's set on having her own way, answering back or just demanding fashionable shoes "like Kathy's", she is always "your daughter, "? I thought double standards were bad form, weren't they?

**James (**uneasy)**:**You may accuse me of all deadly sins if you wish, madam, but it is evident you're always taking her side, not mine, as you should be doing…

**Wendy: **_Cheri, _I'm not taking anyone's side, I'm only standing for the truth…

James: …and it's evidently far too many truths in this household, and while I am supposed to be its head, I'm just a pathetic object to be laughed at. (_Wendy protests)_Don't contradict me, madam – both of you – no, the four of you, - no, it makes seven of you, including those blasted animals, - are always against me when it comes to the matter of punishment…Darn it, can a man have some respect in his own family!

**Wendy: **Don't swear, James. You are wrong, -yes you really are- to begin with, I am never against you, I only do not always approve of your…er…methods, and choice of words. And you are forgetting that I also was the eldest, and ceased to be a little girl at the age of two and a half, when John was born. And finally, it's nothing to be proud of, but….I never was really close to my own father – not even when I was small, you see, Jane is more fortunate than me in this case…

**James (**snorts): As if my late father-in-law ever had other confidants than his financial paperwork!

**Wendy: **…and, though I hate to speak ill of the deceased, but he only cared for the "right and proper" appearances, and never about our feelings…

**James (**uneasy): So this is your opinion on me?

**Wendy(**wistfully): …and so one winter night we had a quarrel on the subject of my "growing up" and leaving all " stuff and nonsense " – in other words, all that really mattered to me – behind. So,that is how I came to be willing to go to Neverland.

**James** (turning pale at once): What are you hinting at, Mrs. Stuart?

**Wendy: **I'm not hinting, I'm speaking plainly. You'll never win either her confidence or her respect, James, if you keep on yelling at her and making her stay within four walls, quite on the contrary! Believe me, I know what I am saying!

**James**(indignantly): Brimstone and gall! _(The pair of turtles show up)_Not the two of you, unworthy reptiles!!!_(The turtles crawl away)_

**Wendy(**trying to make peace)**: **Come on, my lord, even St. Paul says in his Epistles : _**"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged"**_

**James (**almost good-tempered):Doesn't the Apostle by chance mention mothers as well?

Suddenly Mary Anne makes her appearance from under the table

**Mary Anne: **SURPRISE!!!

**Wendy and James**_ ( taken aback): _Split my infinitives!

May, darling, what are you doing here?!

**Mary Anne** (matter-of-factly): Why, Mummy, Daddy, that's my fav burrow!

**Wendy and James: **A burrow?

**Mary Anne: **Yes,like where rabbit lived in_Alice in Wonderland_! It's so great – to hear all you are saying, much better than listening under the doors!

_Wendy and James are at a loss for words_

**Mary Anne (**_quite unaware of that, coming up to the window_):One star, two stars, three stars…how to count them all?…a long yellow car there on the other side , Great-Auntie knocking at the wrong door…again!

**James**: Oh, no!

**Wendy **(looking out herself): Oh, yes! May, honey, run and tell your sister and brother to show up immediately!

**Mary Anne**: OK, mum. (_Runs out shouting: Jane! Michael! Old Girl has come!)_

**James (**embarrassed**):**Now, don't give me THAT look, Mrs. Stuart. I apologize, but even after nearly two decades of my acquaintance with honourable Miss Wilkes her mere presence is getting on my nerves worse than that cursed croc's ticking!

**Wendy**: Oh, James, please, be, for my sake, civil to her! Poor Auntie has no family of her own, and certainly doesn't deserve to be left out in the cold for holidays!

**James (**softened**)**: Only for your sake, my beauty…though personally I'd rather face the whole Spanish fleet again!

**Wendy (**giving him a slight kiss): Just think about eternal sufferings in Hades, and several hours in the Darlings' company will seem to you a mere trifle!

**James** (kissing her back): Although loving one's relatives is sometimes more complicated than to love one's neighbour, I promise to make a try. But I beg of you, my lady, not to shock Miss Wilkes and the Darlings with your specific spiritual viewpoints. That would be bad form indeed!(_Leaves the room)_

**Wendy:**Of course, darling…(_To herself)_Form, always Form_…_And what about theinterior? Thank God we cannot listen to each other's thoughts, we, modern people, who are so void of love that it takes us immense efforts just to keep up appearances… (_Sighs) _Oh, Lord, help us all and give me strength, for I'm in a great need of it! (_Leaves the kitchen)_


	3. ACT One scenes 4&5

Scene 4 Parlour

The doors open and enters Aunt is by now in her late sixties, but still eager to give her piece of mind to her younger relatives.

**Wendy & James : **How do you do, dear Auntie!

How do you do, Miss Wilkes!

**Aunt Millicent : **Oh, here I am at last! I thought I was doomed never to reach your place tonight!

**James (to himself): **Alas, those premonitions happened to be too good to come true!

**Wendy & James (aloud): **Many happy returns of the day to come!

**Aunt Millicent: **Well, I`m not so sure about happiness, dear niece, at least you do not look happy at all. Quite worn out, I dare say. It`s evident you fail to catch your beauty sleep, in spite of all my warnings...

**Wendy: **Dear Aunt, it`s only a year and a half I manage to have any sleep at all...

**James **(kissing Aunt's hand)**: **_Enchante!_Miss Wilkes, you look stunning tonight, almost too charming for a single lady...

**Aunt Millicent (**blushing): Tosh, , you are lying, as always. (Fixing her hairdo) Your compliments will for sure lead you into the pit of fire (looking into the mirror on the wall)

**James: **At least I was spared the comparison with the father of lies...this time.

**Wendy**_(helping Aunt Millicent to take off her fur coat and hat):_How was your journey, Auntie – pleasant, I hope?

**Aunt Millicent: **No pleasure at all, dear niece. Quite on the contrary – the streets are too busy, noises everywhere, the taxi driver definetly without manners, and the fare has really grown too high for my modest income.

**James (to himself): **Sounds quite promising. (**Aloud) **I say, the weather tonight is...

**Aunt Millicent:** Just horrible.

**Wendy (**with geniune surprise): But why, Auntie? The snowfall ceased long ago, the air is almost still, and it`s not too cold outside, for sure!

**Aunt Millicent: **Exactly! And on New Year Eve it should be chilly,windy (west wind preferably) and perhaps a moderate snowstorm would be quite the thing.

**Wendy **(politely): Oh, really? I should have never imagined!

**James **(to himself): Yes, if the west wind could only take you away as far as possible - perhaps, Leningrad would do...(Aloud) I hope you are in good health, Miss Wilkes?

**Aunt Millicent: **By no means. I`ve just recovered from an attack of rheumatism, and my blood pressure was really very high this morning, not mentioning occasional attacks and my kidney and liver problems. But still I do believe I'm in a better form than you, Mr. Stuart, despite the fact you are almost five years my junior.

**James **(menacingly): _Madame..._

**Aunt Millicent**(correcting him): It's still _mademoiselle, _if you please!

**Wendy**(making peace): My dear people, it's high time we went straight to dinner – the children must be starving!

**Aunt Millicent: **All right, all right! But remember – I have still much to tell you both!

**Wendy & James **( meekly): Just as you say, Aunt Millicent!

They go out, Wendy and James exchanging weird glances behind Aunt's back.

SCENE 5 SITTING ROOM

**Children:** Happy New Year, dear Great-Aunt Millicent!!!

**Wendy (**touched): Oh, but you've laid the table all by yourselves! How sweet of you, my darlings!

**James:**Good form, I say!

**Mary Anne: **Oh, Mummy, Daddy, but we were just _so _hungry...!

(All of them sit down for the meal)

**Aunt Millicent: **Well, well, here are my utterly spoilt grandnephews!

**Mary Anne: **And grandnieces!

**Aunt Millicent: **And nieces. Hush,child, don't interrupt me. Especially with your mouth being full. (_Swallowing the food in her own mouth)_So, as I was saying...and what was I saying? Ah, that's it, how did you like your Christmas presents? Enjoyed them, I hope?

**James: **As for me, madam, I did appreciate much a new teacher's stick you bestowed upon me – it will go straight into my collection of hand substitutes for everyday use.

Aunt looks annoyed

**Wendy** (in a low voice): _Cheri, _Aunt Millicent was asking about children's presents!

**Mary Anne: **Oh, Auntie, I liked the lovely dress you gave me – Belle enjoyed it so much!

**Aunt Millicent** (puzzled): Belle? Who's Belle? (To Wendy) So, you are again giving away my presents to neighbours or some penniless folks from your parish?

**Mary Anne: **Belle is my favourite dolly, Auntie.

**Aunt Millicent** (shocked): But, child, I actually bought the dress for you!

**Wendy: **Oh, Auntie, don't worry, the doll is nearly Mary Anne's size. We'll see to it, never mind!

**Aunt Millicent: **And what about you, young man?

**Michael **(with great delicacy): Er..actually that copy of "Three little pigs" was really something outstanding! I've always thought the story to be not as simple as it seems, and now I'm sure it does have a deeply hidden inner symbolic sense, which cannot be found by ordinary people...

(_Wendy and James are nearly choking with laughter_)

**Aunt Millicent **(to Jane): Now, young lady, your thoughts are evidently engaged elswhere tonight, what can you tell us?

**Jane** (startled): Tell what? About the present? Ah, the present....um...er...very nice indeed, but not quite my size, you know, Auntie...length and so on....but it suits Mum 100%!

**Aunt Millicent **(astonished): Well, I declare! (Looking at Jane's clothes) So that's what you chose to wear instead! Is that the way the schoolgirls are dressing these days?!

**Jane: **But there are no classes these days, Great-Auntie! We're on Christmas holidays!

**Aunt Millicent** (not paying him any attention): In _my _times only women of pleasure wore dresses like this one.

**Wendy **(astonished as well, but for other reasons) : Aunt Millicent, for goodness' sake!

**Mary Anne: **What's a woman of pleasure, Mamma?

(Wendy at a loss for words)

**James: **I guess, honey, Great-Aunt meant a woman who is doing her best to please everyone...er...to be nice and pleasant and well-mannered to everyone, that's it!

**Wendy**(sending her husband a look of gratitude): May, darling, if you have cleared your plate, you'd better go to bathroom. Michael, please, help May to brush her teeth!

**Aunt Millicent: **But they haven't told me anything of their latest acheivments so far! Before you go, children, shall you sing me a song, or at least recite me a poem or two?

**James** (morosely): Miss Wilkes, perhaps I could recite something?

**Aunt Millicent: **By no means, Mr. Stuart. _Your_ accomplishments are nothing new to me.

**Michael** (with suddenly mischievious look): All right, Great-Auntie. But I really would like to start with quick-sayings (Stands up) Ducks takes lick in lakes Luke Luck likes!

(Aunt Millicent is taken aback)

**Michael: **Come on, Auntie, here's an easy game to play! Just repeat it word for word.

**Aunt Millicent: **Ducks lucks in likes....Oh, this game makes my tongue lame!

**Michael: **But it's such fun! Listen one more: Crocs in socks...

**James** (cutting him short): Michael George Stuart, none of your ticks and tocks in my presence, I am warning you!

**Michael:**All right, Dad, here's one more: Let's make a quick trick brick stack!

**Aunt Millicent: **Well I...I cannot blab such blibber blubber!

**Wendy: **Oh, Auntie, you're making success!

**James: **Good form, _mademoiselle!_

**Mary Anne: **Oh, I know more: When tweetle beetles fight it's called...it's called...

**Jane&Michael **: ..It's called a tweetle beetle battle!

**Mary Anne: **Don't say in my place – I can speak myself!

**Wendy: **Now, now, don't start quarreling!

**James: **I say, Michael, May, your time is up. Go to bathroom and then straight to nursery. Jane, you may stay a little longer, if you wish. Your Uncle and Aunt Darling are being late, and I'm sure you wish to see them, after all you are almost...um..almost grown-up, in fact.

(Wendy sends him one more warm glance)

**Jane (**with mixed feelings, still tense): Oh, is that really so, Father?

**James: **Of course, my dear – you are finishing school quite soon, are you not? And in several years, when you graduate from Oxford...

**Aunt Millicent: **Oxford? Who said Oxford? Wendy, didn't you tell me Jane was to apply to *** College, Cambridge this summer?

**Wendy: **Auntie, I said so but...

**James: **Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs, what is all that about? Who was mentioning Cambridge, in the first place? This horrid institution is no place for any of our children !

**Wendy: **But, James, I always wanted Jane to enter the colledge I failed to be in due to my parents' prejudices! Cambridge is...

**James: **My lady, you are forgetting who is the head of this family! I said Oxford, and to Oxford shall she go! The very idea of my daughter being a Tab! Indeed, you're shocking me, Mrs. Stuart!

**Wendy: ** James, I'm sorry but I can't agree...Besides, Jane is _our _daughter, not just_ yours..._

Aunt Millicent: Bosh and tosh! What's all this useless talk about? Do both of you want your daughter to become a bluestocking? Marriage – that's what she has to think about! Wendy: But, Auntie, Jane is still too young... Aunt Millicent: Fiddlesticks! Jane is almost seventeen, and I started to think of marriage at the age of thirteen...

**James: **Miss Wilkes, I am extremely sorry yours plans for matrimony failed to be fulfilled, but I agree with my wife – Jane is now too young...

**Wendy: **No, James, I didn't say she can't marry at her age, I only mean that it is a little too early, but if she feels for someone..

**Aunt Millicent: **Feelings, feelings! What are you talking about, Wendy? Common sense – that what is important in choosing a husband, not any romantic rubbish from French novels!

**Jane (**shouting loudly, trying to be heard): Wait, wait, wait! Please, will you stop it, all of you!

**Aunt Millicent: **Young lady, you are forgetting yourself...

**Jane: **No, I'm not! Quite on the contrary – it's all of you who are forgetting that I am here! You are just sitting around the table, eating and drinking and discussing my future whithout any idea of asking myself! Well, I'm not a piece of furniture, I'm a human being, and I _must _be asked what to do with _my own _future life!

**James **(irritated): Daughter, your mother and I are still responsible for you, remember it, till you are of age, and just now you are too young to understand…

**Jane **(furious): Oh, now I am too young, am I not? I was grown up enough to do domestic chores, and to sit up here with you listening to your nonsense, but when it comes to making decisions for myself I am still not grown-up? Nice sort of morality, Father! Very bad form, I dare say!

**Wendy** (pleading): Jane, for goodness' sake!!!

**Jane: **Don't you "Jane" me, Mother! Oh, but I'm just sick and tired, sick and tired of your and Pa's care and attention! (_Looking at the wordless Aunt)_ And of your bossy ways and constant meddling, Great-Aunt Millicent! And with _all your _"Jane-do-this" and "Jane-don't-do that" stuff! It's not a home – it's a cage, a glass cage, and I _hate _being locked here like a Zoo animal! **I want to be young and have fun!!!**

(A dumb scene. A strike of thunder behind the scene. Wendy and James are taken aback)

**James **(very irate)**: **Young lady, you have said enough for tonight. Now leave here at once and go back to the nursery, and there you shall stay for three days, like in good old times, thinking of your behaviour. After that I shall decide how to punush you. Now get out!

**Wendy **(in tears)**: **James, I beg of you!

**Jane: **With great pleasure! It's stifling here – I can hardly breathe! If I can't be treated as an equal in this house – okay, I'll stay a little girl forever and won't ever worry about your grown-up things again! Anyway, little children should be in bed and asleep at this hour. _Chiao!_

_(Rushes out and slams the door)_

_Anotherdumb scene and a strike of thunder. Wendy and James are pale as ghosts._

**Aunt Millicent **(recovering from shock): Well, I declare! What a loathsome thing this rice pudding of yours is!

**James **(cool as fridge): Indeed you are mistaken, Miss Wilkes. This time we didn't even throw the rice on the kitchen floor before cooking it.

Enter Mr. and Mrs. John Darling.

**Mrs. John: **Oh, hello there!

**John:** Good evening to everyone! Sorry we're late!

**Mrs John**: The door wasn't locked,so we came inby ourselves…

**John:** We would have come earlier, but the other day I ran into Sir Edward Jr. near the club and…

**Mrs. John**:… my father made it a point we _should_ come to his gathering _first_, and you know what the Quiller-Couches are!

**James: **Of course, Mrs. Darling, I admit that Sir Edward, Jr. is _impossible_ to refuse!

**John **(vexed): No need to be sarcastic, Stuart.

**Wendy: **Glad to see you, John, Gladys. Where's Lily?

: Lily? What lily?

**John : **Lilian is at the Manor, with her cousins. Having a good the way, what's the matter with your eldest? She rushed past us a minute ago, without even giving us a glance.

**Mrs. John: **Yes, our Lilian would never…

**James: **Well, dear guests, it's high time we open the champaign! The celebrating is going on!

Some minutes later,in the doorway, while the guests are occupied with food and spirits

**Wendy: **You don't think she meant it, do you?

**James: **I'm afraid she did, my lady.

**Wendy: **But then….

**James: **Don't start talking about that horrid flying disauster and his shadow again! It is not to be endured tonight, at least by myself. (Loudly): Here we are, with another bottle of champaign! Let us be merry, if nothing else! Cheers!

**Wendy **(to herself):If I only could…

End of Act One


	4. Act Two scene 4 Jane and Peter

Act Two Scene 1. Nursery.

_Very late in the evening. Michael and Mary Anne are asleep. Jane is sitting near the window, alone with her sad thoughts._

**Jane: **Oh, what a ghastly night! How dark and creepy it is! Not a single star on the...wait, here's a star, and one more...oops! actually three more stars! What constellation could that be? Oh my gosh, would surely give me an "Unsatisfactory" now, were I at her lesson...Why, what rubbish I'm thinking about at such a tragic moment of my life! I mean the night is horrible and gloomy and...just... (_sighs) _just magnificent! A wonderful night! It's silly of me, but for some strange reason I feel like Juliet on the balcony, only no one is coming for me...and besides, the nursery hasn't got any balcony...And it's so quiet out, just like in the grave...Oh, but I do wish I were dead and in my grave already – and for sure I shall die alone and unloved. Of course, since Charlie Parkinson will never be mine – I'm more than sure that Lucy Harker has got him in her claws by now, and I...I am utterly alone... (Brimstone or Gall, or whoever you are – get out from under my chair!!!) Yes, alone and unloved – no one cares for me, no one understands me, no one loves me...(Hush, Davy Jones, get off me, your fur will ruin my new dress!)Oh, how all of them could be so mean and terrible! If only..if only I had wings like a bird and could fly far,far away from here... (Oh, shit, Mary Anne has been painting the window glass with my rouge again, I'm going to box her ears in the morning!) However, I don't really need any make-up now, when NO ONE LOVES MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!(rushes to "her" part of the room and starts to weep)

_At the same time the window opens with a loud "crack" and a boy about sixteen or so, clad in green leaves, bursts into the room in a rather comical way. He is definitely searching for something. Davy Jones is annoyed by the boy's looking into its lair, and confronts him with an indignant "Mew!". However, this skirmish goes unnoticed by our woebegone Jane. Other children are still asleep._

**Peter Pan: **Girl, why are you crying?

**Jane **_(still not seeing anyone, but answering back by matter of habit)_: Mind your own business, meddlesome chap! (_goes on crying, then suddenly becoming aware of the boy's presence): _Aaah-oooohhh- wow, split my infinitives!..(_To the audience)..._er...I wanted to say "Wow, what a surprise!"_(Stares at Peter)_

**Peter: **Oh, it's you, Wendy! Why are you snivelling here? I've come as promised, to take you for the spring cleaning! Hey,why are you looking at me so oddly?

**Jane:**To begin with, you are a bit hasty, chap, - we have still two more months to wait for the spring; secondly, Wendy is my Ma's name, and mine is Jane Gertrude Darling-Stuart, if you please, and finally, I'm not snivelling – I'm just being unhappy!

**Peter: **Unhappy? Why?

**Jane** (annoyed): And, pray, who are you to be interrogating me? Hercules Poirot? Or, maybe, Sherlock Holmes?

**Peter **_(taken aback): _Shylock who?

**Jane: **Sherlock, not Shylock, you ignoramus! What school are you going to, since you can't tell Conan Doyle's characters from Shakespeare's?

**Peter **(proudly): Don't go to school – I'm a free man – boy, I mean...

**Jane: **You still haven't answered my question – who are you?

**Peter **(showing off):I am youth, I am joy, I am ...

**Jane:...**Peter Pan, no less!

**Peter: **That's it! How did you guess?

**Jane: **Well, I'm not a storyteller's daughter for nothing! See, being brought up by the famous Jill Scott...

**Peter **(puzzled) Jill Scott? But you told me you were Wendy's daughter!

**Jane: **Jill Scott is Ma's penname, you ninny! And she is really popular among children , though she doesn't make much money, but neither does Pa! By the way, he sometime calls her Jill at home, when he wants to tease her...

**Peter: **And who is your father?

**Jane: **A schoolteacher.

**Peter: **Brrrr! That's sounds even worse than a pirate!

**Jane: **Well...perhaps you aren't very wrong...

**Peter: **Listen, girl, but you do look like Wendy so much, you know...

**Jane: **So most people think – because I've got Ma's looks. But as for my character, it's all Pa's - we are both proud as eagles and stubborn as mules! (_Chortles)_

**Peter: **It's because of him that you were unhappy?

**Jane: **Unhappy? Me? (_suddenly remembering her mood)_Oh, yes, I'm in a profound melancholy. Very profound, indeed. Nobody in this house really cares for me. I was not allowed to go to a friend's party and now I am shut up within these four walls, like some princess in a tower from my little sister's fairy tales book! So, all work and no play – that's my life! And, moreover, they want me to act as a grown-up, but still treat me like a little girl!

**Peter **(disgusted): Growing up – whoa! It's really a barbarious business!

**Jane: **Oh, but you are right! (To herself) I wonder where I could have heard these words before...

**Peter: **(impatient) Come on, Jane! Let's go with me, and you'll never have to worry about grown-up things again!

**Jane **(hesitant): Um...Ma would say that never is an awfully long time...but...why not have a try?

**Peter: **If you feel lost in this ugly and unjust world,than Neverland - the end of the world – is just the right place for you!

**Jane: **To get lost - to flee to the end of the world – perhaps that's what I really wish for...(_Still hesitanly)_But, on the other hand,why should I trust a strange guy so much as to fly away with him to some strange place? Suppose you are just like most other guys – Freddy, Tom or Harry – promising a naive girl no matter what and then leaving her for good? I'm not without experience, you know!

**Peter **(coaxing her): Come on, Jane, don't be a wet blanket! You know, a single girl is worth a dozen boys!

**Jane: **So that's what you told my Ma when she met you for the first time?

**Peter: **Your Ma? You mean Wendy?

**Jane: **Yes, don't you think I'm a simpleton, I do know you were sweet on her, as she was on you! (_approaching nearer and nearer)_

**Peter **(leaning backwards): You are kidding! I've never been sweet on anyone, let alone grown-ups!

**Jane **(coming quite close to him): And considering the fact I'm not _quite _a grown-up, perhaps you could give me a kiss? As a proof _you _aren't kidding?

**Peter **(uneasy): A kiss? To give you? But..(searching in his attire) I don't have one. I lost the one I had...don't remember where, and now I've got none!

**Jane: **Boys, boys, boys! You do say _such _foolish things sometimes! (Kisses him in the manner of heroines from old black-and-white Hollywood films)

**Peter** (slightly shocked, but not much): Well, perhaps I could have a try in finding one! (Kisses her back) Wait! I have to find my shadow – you know, I kind of lost it, and it must be somewhere...

**Jane **(impatiently)**: **Oh, we'll find it somehow later on. Never mind! (Kisses him again)

_This rather fluffy scene is interrupted by a slight noise._

**Jane **(startled): Brimstone and Gall!

**Peter **(taken aback): Hey, why are you swearing like a pirate?

**Jane: **I'm not swearing, it's just our notorious pair of turtles prying into my affairs again!

**Peter **(grins): And who could have named the turtles such odd nicknames?

**Jane **(in a whisper): Why, Pa, of course! Hush, I guess it's Ma coming to the room to check us! And the turtles are just following her, as usual!

_(Peter hastily jumps out of the window and waits outside, leaning to the wall. Jane jumps onto her bed and hides under the enters the room, silently searching for something. Finally she takes something from Davy Jones' sleeping busket, gives the thing an attentive look, and slips it into the pocket of her apron._

**Wendy**_(to herself):_Oh my goodness, it's even worse than I thought! Lord, what am I supposed to do now? I just cannot..._we _just cannot afford to lose her for good! Surely there must be some way..._Goes out just as noiselessly as she came. _


	5. Act Two scene 4 women& 5 men

_Scene 2 Kitchen, about the same hour_

**Mrs. John **(trying to clear up the kitchen table,crammed with dishes, but not very successfully): ...And, as I've already said, though Lilian is not twelve, she already shares my passion for music – especially for musicals...Oops! _(drops a plate on the floor with a loud bang)_

**Aunt Millicent:**_(suddenly waking up from her slumber and making a sip from her cup of tea)_Oh, goodness gracious, it's almost ten o'clock! I don't think I'll be able to get home tonight...Where's Wendy? I am going to tell her I am staying overnight here. Anyway, it's too dangerous to go out at this hour!

**Mrs. John **(taking up the plate, puzzled): Dangerous? But we can surely take you with us in our car, dear Aunt!

**Aunt Millicent:** Nevertheless, I'd better take my leave in the morning. I have no wish to be raped by some maniac in a dark corner! I read in _The Sun_ only a couple of days ago.....

**Mrs. John: **Oh, Lord, how can you say such things, Auntie! Don't tell me anything of the kind, or I'll have sick fancies! I am so weak, so fragile, - anything troublesome can upset me in no time! Oh, look! A snake! A SNAKE IN THE KITCHEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(_Shrieks)_

_Both women jump onto their chairs and scream._

_Enters Wendy. She still has a worried look._

**Wendy: **Calm down, Auntie, Gladys, it's only poor Gall. The creature is probably hungry – unfortunately,we often tend to neglect our everyday duties on holidays! _(takes out the lettuce from the kitchen store). _Or, perhaps, the pets are as overexcited as we are....

**Mrs. John **(in an excusing tone) I'm sorry, Wendy, I did wish to help you with the dishes, but I've only made a mess over here and have broken a nail! Why don't you hire somebody to do the housework? You are, after all, a writer, not only a housewife!

**Wendy **(jokingly)**: **Perhaps because no servant would be able to remain sane after a single day in our merry Bedlam?

**Aunt Millicent: **And if they did hire somebody, they would have to give up their bedroom and reside in the sitting-room!

**Wendy **(merrily): Or in the garden, if any guests should stay overnight. Though it would be a little uncomfortable at this time of the year.

**Mrs. John **: You know, Wendy, it may seem strange, but I do envy you sometimes..

**Wendy: **Envy _me? _Gladys, are you sure you are feeling well? Perhaps the champagne has got into your head, after all?

**Mrs. John: **No,it hasn't! It's only...it's only that your household is so..so joyful,so full of life and vigour, that our own seems to me as solemn and quiet as a museum afterwards...

**Wendy: **...and I bet also dull as well! Forgive me, Gladys, but I guess if you had a choice, you'd never choose a museum over a party or some fashionable place crammed with celebrities!

**Mrs. John** (uneasy): No, Wendy,I mean it! Moreover, the problem is not about your house or ours, but it's...it's actually _you _that I envy!

**Aunt Millicent **(grudgingly): I loathe to admit it, but on some occasions so do I!

**Wendy**(shocked)**: **Impossible! I just can't believe it! But why, may I ask?

**Mrs. John: **Why, Wendy, you are so strong and brave and...

**Aunt Millicent: **...and stubborn and self-willed...

**Mrs. John: **...and reliable. You always seem to know what is right or wrong...

**Aunt Millicent: ...**even if in my point of view everything is vice versa...

**Mrs. John: ...**and you always know what to do...

**Aunt Millicent: **...except, perhaps, for tonight,but I have no heart to blame you, deary!

**Wendy: **Well, this is a real New Year surprise! Strong am I, you say? Lord, how very ironic!

All my life I cherished a hope that a time would come when I might allow myself to be weak, just for an instant! But the years are going by, and that blissful instant is yet to come...

**Aunt Millicent: **But, my dear niece, surely our belonging to the weaker sex...

**Wendy: **I'm sorry, Auntie, if my words may seem blasphemous to you, but I am afraid nowadays we women often have to act as the stronger sex,even if we don't enjoy doing so**.**

**Aunt Millicent and Mrs. John: **Oh, shocking!

**Wendy: **Shocking, you say? And what, may I ask, could shock you so much? The fact that I never could allow myself - or was allowed – to be a damsel in distress? Or that I started "playing little mother" at the age of two and a half, when John was born, and am still playing that role towards all mankind? That I was Mother's right hand since the age of seven and together with Nana was to nurse both my brothers? That at the age when most girls are only beginning to dream of beaux and white satin dresses I all of a sudden became a mother of the flock of nine wild boys including a Very Extraordinary One? Or, perhaps, that at the age of twenty I willingly married an amputee with dark past who was, beside all, twenty four years my seniour ? And, believe me,I was by no means unaware of the problems that would surely arise in a marriage like ours, but this fact didn't stop me from getting married! Or does it seem so shocking to you that I was to nurse both my parents when they got the flu in 1918 and, despite my having a little daughter of my own, was most of the time by their side until they passed away and was the one to arrange the burial and all? Or is it the unpleasant fact that despite my being a brooding hen for all my life I failed to prevent my eldest daughter from becoming too wilful and independent ?(_Tears appearing in her eyes)_ Come on, tell me what you think, I am more than willing to hear!

**Aunt Millicent **(with an unreadable expression on her face): Well, I declare!

Mrs. John (also on the verge of tears): Oh, Wendy, please, forgive me!

**Wendy **(puzzled): Forgive you, Gladys? But what for?

**Mrs. John** (repentant): Oh, for everything , and especially for my being so selfish and vain and unfeeling and stupid..

**Wendy: **Gladys dear, as for the first two points, I don't believe you could help it, being born in the Quiller-Couch family;and as for your being unfeeling, stupid or weak, as you said earlier, I dare say you are greatly underestimating your own character. Believe me, Gladys Marylin Susan, there's much more in you than either you or my brother can imagine. Just pull yourself together and make an effort, and you' ll be able to turn both Sir Edward and John around your little finger!

**Mrs. John** (regaining control): To make an effort – okay, I'll try to....Just you wait, John _, Darling!_

**Aunt Millicent **(_sobbing as well): _Oh, Wendy, my darling niece, it has just dawned upon me, you know...some sort of revelation...

**Wendy**(frowning): Revelation? What do you mean, Auntie?

**Aunt Millicent **(in tears): Well, I have just realized ...as if someone has whispered it to me right into my ear, "Millicent Wilkes, you have always been awfully mean and unfair to Wendy, and to her brothers, and to George and Mary, God rest their souls, and to my adopted son, and....and practically everyone else for all your worthless and miserable life!"

**Wendy and Mrs. John: **Goodness gracious, this cannot be real!

**Aunt Millicent **(gravely): Alas! I'm afraid this voice isn't telling lies! I realize now I haven't done anything good in my whole life! (_still sobbing)_

**Wendy **(consoling her):Now, now, dear Auntie, calm down! You are not going to die right now, in my kitchen, are you? So you have still enough time to make for your past mistakes. And as for your lack of good deeds, I can name at least two of them on the spot!

**Aunt Millicent **(with interest): And they are...?

**Wendy: **First of all, you adopted Slightly...

**Aunt Millicent: **Ah, but he is all grown-up now, and since he married a Viscount's daughter and moved into the upper class, he hardly ever calls me, let alone visiting...I'm afraid I was surely not the best of mothers...

**Wendy: **Well, perhaps you are right in your self-criticism, but nevertheless, you didn't drive him out into the streets again, did you?

**Aunt Millicent **(thoughtful): No, I didn't , although I was many times tempted to do so...

**Wendy **(smiling): So you see, Auntie, it was your good deed, after all. And as for the second one...Auntie, you are a spinster, right?

**Aunt Millicent: **Of course I am, though in my youth I had had several proposals, but I considered them not worthy enough for myself, and foolishly rejected them...

**Wendy: **But, Auntie, quite on the contrary, it was very wise of you!

**Aunt Millicent: **Wise? How so?

**Wendy **: Well, you knew your character better than anyone else did, and you were merciful enough not to make the life of any of your suitors a lifelong martyrdom!

**Aunt Millicent: **I guess there is something in your words – no mortal man could ever be happy by my side! Now, forty years later, I can admit it openly!

**Wendy **(triumphant): So you see, Auntie, that's settled - your life hadn't been wasted! And besides, while I was hearing your constant preaching and criticism all my life, I learned to defend my viewpoints without insulting the opponent, and to have my own way without making a row! And without those skills I doubt I could have made a good wife to James!(_chuckles)_

**Aunt Millicent **(in good mood): Well, dear niece, I am glad I did manage to teach you something!

**Wendy: **So, no more laments, my dear ladies – life is wonderful and full of surprises! And as the dishes are already clean and dry, so we can check our gentlemen ....(_listeneing to the voices in the sitting-room, singing "God save the king" horribly out of tune) _Gladys, I guess you should start making decisions for your family boat this very night – I have strong doubts John will be able to drive your own car after sitting for so long in my husband's company!

**Mrs. John: **Oh, Wendy, I have never reserved a taxi by phone myself – it were always my father and John who arranged things!

**Wendy: **Well, New Year is a perfect time for new beginnings, am I right?

_All the ladies laugh, then leave the kitchen._

_Scene 5. Sitting-room, about the same time._

_James Stuart and John Darling are sitting tet-a –tet at the near-empty table, by which there are several empty bottles._

**John **(who is quite tipsy at the moment): I say, Hook, the bottle is empty again! Now it's your turn to open the next one!

**James **(in a dull and almost sober voice): Listen, Darling, why every time you drink something stronger than orange juice you start calling me by that old nickname of mine?

**John:** Me - drinking?! Why, I never drink...wine! (_bursts into laughter)_

**James **(mentor-like): Well, that shows. Now look here, at my right wrist – what do you see there? Right, you see a fork – _a fork, _darn it!

**John: **Okay,okay...I say, Fork, how it comes that I can hardly stand on my feet and you – having drunk as much – are as sober as the Pope? How do you do it?

**James** (in a condesending tone): Merely a matter of practice, Johnny-boy! What else distraction could I afford myself for all those decades – centuries – on that accursed island? Never try to overdrink a pirate, my lad, even a former one! (Chortles)

**John **(offended): Hey, stop calling me Johnny-boy! I'm not some schoolboy from that institution of yours! I am President's first Deputy, and I earn four times more than you do and ever will,_Captain!_

**James: **Oh, really? And _I _earn four times _ less _than you do at that bank of yours, and I don't care a fig! _(Replaces a fork with a corkscrew on his right wrist and opens the bottle, than pours himself a glass)_ I _am _a good teacher, and I like my job and....Why are you staring at me, Darling?

**John **(bewildered): Well, I say! Are you serious, Stuart? Do your pupils actually _like _you? Didn't someone write once that no children loved you?

**James **(with a grin): Well, perhaps I did loathe my job once, but, you know the saying – it's hard only the first hundred years – or ten, in my case, and then you get used to it? As it goes, the last five years I've been geniunely enjoying teaching!

And the same rule goes for my...er...family ship – it's been hell of a job when Jane was born, but now, except for constant pranks, screaming and yelling around, and occasional – ah – misunderstandings with our teenage Cordelia, I am enjoying family life like...like good brandy..._(drinks from his glass)_

**John: **Listen, Stuart, I always wondered, how did you manage to fall for my sister, in the first place? I mean, after our unforgettable stay on that island...

**James **(slowly collecting his thoughts): Actually, I never thought of it – it came so naturally, you know, as if I've known and loved her all my life..._(Mischieviously)_. Or perhaps it all started when I made her walk the plank and failed to hear a splash? Who can tell?

**John **(chortles): But you're joking, old bastard!

**James:** ...and how it turned out – it's difficult to explain, but it was...as if I've been asleep for ages on that God-forsaken island, and then...then unexpectedly she came into my life and woke me up....

**John: **Oh, yes, Wendy has always been a perfect rouser! I remember when Michael or I happened to oversleep on weekdays...

**James **(dreamingly)**: **You know, Johnny-boy, I've lived an enormously long life, and during my lifetime I more than once wished I were dead,but, by carbonates of soda, I'd be hanged if I wished it now! I'm not expecting you, or anyone else to believe me, but in spite of all our rows and skirmishes and harsh words, I _do _feel young, and for a chage, I've got happy thoughts now,and quite many of them_, _darn it! (finishes his brandy)

**John **(after a prolonged silence): You know, Stuart...if we by some crazy twist of fate were to change places....

**James **(taken aback): Lord, Darling, you are not yourself! It would be a complete disauster for your bank– I could never deal with finances, even with my own!

**John **(gloomy): And I – with children. Even with my own one.

**James: **Why, my lad, it can't be that bad! Of course we don't see your daughter too often, but from what my lady says, Lilian is a nice and intelligent young lady...

**John **(bitterly): ...who doesn't care a pin for her father, except for once in a month, when I give her the pocket money! And the same goes for her lovely mother! When I go to work, they are asleep, when I come home, they are _already _asleep – if my wife is at home, of course, and not gallivanting somewhere in a music-hall or in a cinema! And when I do want to talk to either of them, they are always busy...

**James: **Beg pardon – but how often?

**John: **How often what?

**James: **How often do you have a talk with any of your ladies?

**John: **Not very often, in fact, but at least once in a month or two....but still they are always engaged elswhere – Lilian either with her studies or her friends, and Gladys either with her hairdresser, or shopping, or those silly musicals, or chatting over the phone...By Jove, Stuart, they regard me as a thick purse on two legs, with my only duty to pay their bills! It's not fair, it really isn't! (Gulps the contents of his glass)

**James: **But, if I remember right, you have never been madly in love with any young lady, including Honorable Miss Quiller-Couch? Really, my boy, you always seemed to me to be a man of sense rather than a man of _feeling!_

**John **(with the same bitterness): Yes, by Jupiter, you are right – after the war I was busy with other things - thinking of my career, getting promotion at the bank, courting Gladys – was busy getting rich, in other words! I remember dreaming late at night of all things I didn't possess, but wished I did, and now...

**James: **And now you've got it all!

**John: **I have got it, darn it! I've got all I wished and even more – but no more happy thoughts! Ironic, isnt' it ? My job sucks, my family life sucks, and ....Lord, I hate to admit it, Stuart, but lately I started actually to _envy _your lot – envy you, old man, my weird sister and that brood of yours! (Starts to _sob_)

**James **(astonished): Split my infinitives, Darling, pull yourself together, or next moment you'll be crying on my shoulder, and that would be really too much! (Pats him on the shoulder) Cheer up, my boy, it isn't the end of the world! It's really bad form to lose all hope! _You _are still young enough to change everything, you have got both hands, and besides, you are in your own world, whereas I at your age was....but we shall not talk of it tonight (sighs)...After all, it's New Year, so (pouring two more glasses and handing one to John) – for new beginnings!

**John: **For fresh starts!

_They drink, suddenly John fidgets in his chair._

**John: **Listen, Jim – Stuart, I must be _very _drunk!

**James: **Well, I won't deny that.

**John **(startled): I swear I've just heard someone crowing - a cock-a-doodle in the heart of London!

**James: **(turning pale): Brimstone and gall! (The turtles come out) No – you two leave for the kitchen, imbeciles, Mistress Wendy will feed you! (To John, regaining composure). Darlling, that glass was enough for you. You are quite intoxicated. Now go fetch your wife – if she recognizes you in this state – and it's high time you took your leave. Cock-a-doodle, indeed! If you stay longer, next time you'll be hearing ticks and tocks! (shivers)

**John: **Hey, Jimmy, take it easy! Tomorrow I'm starting a new life!

**James: **I hope we'll live to witness it, Johnny-boy!

_(They stand up, singing rather loudly )_


	6. Act 2 sc4 Jane&Peter and 5 everybody

_Scene 4 Nursery_

_Shortly after Wendy's leave, Peter Pan jumps back into the window with his trademark crow. Jane also goes out of her hiding place. _

**Peter: **So, Jane, what's your decision? All work and no play here at your home or all play and no work in Neverland?

**Jane **(unsure): Um...I don't know...

**Peter **(coming closer, tempting her): Just imagine - you'll live forever, you'll be young forever, you'll be having fun forever!

**Jane **(entranced): So – what has to be, has to be – take me to the end of the world, to Neverland!

**Peter **(as if hypnotizing her): Then take my hand!

_He takes her hand and leads her towards the window. Suddenly Jane hears Nan's barking and Davy Jones' mewing and comes out of her trance._

**Jane: **Peter, wait!

**Peter **(irritated): What's it now?

**Jane: **I forgot to take my cosmetics bag – that's it – and my clothes as well!

**Peter: **And what do you need those for?

**Jane: **What for? But we won't be alone there like Robinson Crusoe and Friday, will we? There'll be company over there – right?- and I can't appear in public looking like a dawdy!

**Peter **: Company? What sort of company?

**Jane: **You know, people to mix with...

**Peter **(puzzled): Well, there are the usual set – mermaids, fairies, Indians, pirates...

**Jane **(impatiently): But will there be any entertainment – parties and so on?

**Peter**: Look, I'm afraid I don't quite understand what you want!

**Jane: **I mean ,what about parties – dancing, music, chocolates, nice guys ...?

_Peter is at a loss for words._

**Jane **( a bit disappointed)**: **I bet without all that stuff it's quite dull at your place! Perhaps that's why you came here ?

**Peter **(to the audience): In fact, I came by as I always do – to hear stories about myself! (To Jane) Yes, I think you could cheer us up a bit, for sure! Imagine – you'll be the first Lost Girl in Neverland!

**Jane **(excited): Oh, but I love being the first one! Look – I'll gather all of you guys toghether, and we'll make a jazz band!

**Peter: **A what?

**Jane: **A jazz band, and we'll call it "Lost Souls"...er, sorry...."Lost Boys"! I'll be your leading singer, and you guys will be playing the instruments, and...

**Peter** (uneasy): Look, Jane...um...I guess we don't have much of that stuff in Neverland – except for Indian drums and my own flute!

**Jane: **Well, that's not much, but...._giving him a hug and taking his hands into hers.._we'll surely do something about it...Is there at least a piano over there?

**Peter: **Piano? You mean that huge thing with black and white keys? I remember Hook used to have one, on his ship, but I actually forgot what had happened to the old man's things after the battle – I always forget about those I kill, you know...

**Jane **(without giving a second thought): Oh, in this case the instrument is no longer there – Pa would have never left it behind, even if he was running from an earthquake... (_noticing Pan's change of face)_ Hey, Peter, what's wrong?

**Peter **(quickly getting out of her embrace): Your Pa? What do you mean – that old Hook is your..?

**Jane **(noticing her mistake): I-I – I meant nothing....

**Peter: **So I've been wasting so much time on Hook's daughter now?Why, that's not funny at all! How disgusting – old codfish has actually got a daughter!

**Jane **(offended): Stop calling him names! And besides, he and Ma have _actually _got _three_ of us – myself, Michael and Mary Anne!

**Peter: **And I thought you to be nice enough to be taken to Neverland!

**Jane: **Well, that's superb! And what should the Captain's daughter look like – Bela Lugosi in a nightgown? Anyway, now you are insulting me, and I'm not going anywhere before you ask forgivness!

**Peter **(angry): Forgivness – whoa! I'm going back to Neverland _alone,_and you, Miss Codfish, stay where you are and take your feelings back! _Making for the window but suddenly remembering something:_Shit, I forgot about my shadow – I can't get away without it!

**Jane** (very offended): You are NOT going ANYWHERE! So, we are extraordinary, aren't we ? First kissing a girl and promising her heaps of things, and then throwing her away like an old shoe, eh? No way, chap – I'm not the kind of girl to be let down by any guy, no matter how extraordinary! And you won't get away from me THAT easily! (Rushes to the door, crying out) Father, Father, come here, quickly!

_A whole bunch of grown-ups bursts into the nursery, followed by the notorious pets.A dumb scene follows. _

**James **(thunderstruck, all sober at once): Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs, what's going on here? Who is this?

**Jane **(sobbing): Father, this guy flew into my window, made love to me, promised to take me away to the end of the world with him, and now when he learned who I am, he is going to leave me for good! Oh, father, please do something ! (Bursts into tears)

**James: **"sdeath and oddfish! But it's...PETER PAN!!! Now revenge is mine! Have at thee, cock-a-doodle!!!

_General mayhem follows. _

_Scene 5 Sitting-room._

_Mayhem continues. A _very _irate James Stuart, followed by still tipsy John Darling, Nan and Davy Jones, is chasing Peter Pan across the apartment. Aunt Millicent and Gladys Darling are trotting behind, scared out of their wits and screaming occasionally, when they hear James roaring something like:"Just you wait, I'll plunge my corkscrew into you!". Jane, Michael and Mary Anne are running and jumping to and fro, also making loud noises. Behind the scenes there are sounds of the play's theme "Rio-Rita", playing a bit faster than usual._

_At last John stumbles over Brimstone (or Gall) and falls down on the floor, his wife rushes to his rescue, Nan has caught Peter and is holding him , James corners him, going to plunge no matter what substitute into Peter's flesh, children scream, Jane cries"NO!", and suddenly **Wendy** makes her appearance, looking deceptively calm, cool and quiet_

_Everyone suddenly becomes silent, frozen on the spot.._

**Wendy (**in a neutral voice, with dignity): Hello, Peter.

**Peter: **Hello, Wendy!

**Wendy: ** It's been _quite _a long time, Peter...

**Peter **(embarassed): Yes, it has, Wendy-lady. Or is it now Red-Handed Jill? I see _someone _has already taken my place,eh?... _(pointing to James, who has loosened his grip but by no means is going to release him)_

**Wedny **(with the same dignity): Yes, Peter, he has. And I do love him. (_James gives Peter a look of triumph)_. However, we aren't here to talk about _me_ and my feelings. I see, Peter, you happened to get into a ...(pause)..rather complicated situation?

**Aunt Millicent: **(in a low voice) Show me anyone in this house whose situation is NOT complicated for now!

**Wendy **(still talking only to Peter): I have a –a proposal for you, Peter.

**Peter: **For me? (Scornfully)I never make deals with grown-ups – they always cheat! (Then, looking around him, taking in the current situation). What sort of proposal, Wendy-lady?

**Wendy **(innocently): Haven't you , by chance, lost anything of yours, Peter?

**Peter: **Yes, I have. And you've got it!

**Wendy **(taking out the shadow with a shrewd smile): Oh, the cleverness of you!

**Peter **(impatiently): I need my shadow back, Wendy-lady!

**Wendy (**determined-looking): And _I _need my daughter , Peter! And not only this one (pointing to Jane), but also that one (pointing to Mary Anne). And my granddaughters and great-granddaughters as well. To make a long story short, I propose you a bargain: either I return you this (points to the shadow in her hands) and you, for your part, promise to leave our house forever....

**Peter **(grins): Forever is an awfully long time, Wendy!

**Wendy: ...forever, **or...

**Peter: **_Or _what?

**Wendy: ...Or **I give you nothing, and you'll have to stay here, in our world, and ...well..grow-up!

**James **(vinductively)**:**And get your education, proud and insolent youth!

**John: **And go to the office every day except for weekends!

**Mrs. John: **And get married and settled!

**Aunt Millicent: **And have children – mark my words! Oh, listen, Wendy, I have an idea – perhaps for the time being I could adopt the boy, to make for my past sins?

**Peter **(terrified): NO! You can't catch and make a man of me, no way! Give me my shadow, Wendy,and I won't ever come near here again!

**Wendy: **A bargain, then?

**Mary Anne: **Oh, and if he stays, I can marry him when I'm big enough, and we'll live happily ever...

**Peter (**in panic): NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (He grabs his shadow and flies out of the window with great speed)

**James **(finally relaxed): Thus perished Peter Pan!

**Wendy: "...**And so children stopped to disappear from the House of Darling, and since then they never leave their parents – until they are really grown-up,of course - and so it will be forever and ever, as long as children and parents love each other unconditionally!" Happy New Year, dear people!

**Everyone : HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

_Everyone expresses his/hers joy in his/her own way. James approaches Wendy, taking her by the shoulders._

**James: **Congratulations, my lady Jill! You have indeed made a brilliant performance – Nell Gwynn is next to nothing comparing to you!

**Wendy **(amused): You are flattering me, _mon capitaine! (Gives him a kiss)_

**Michael **(overexcited): Yes, Mum, that was even cooler than "The Phantom of the Opera"!

**Wendy: **Thank you, sonny, but I suppose you must go now and take Mary Anne back to the nursery – it's nighttime already! We'll have a chat in the morning, I promise!

**Michael: **Aye-aye, Ma'am! (He and Mary Anne leave the room)

**Mrs. John: **Wendy, _darling, _thank you so much for everything, I'll never forget your words! Sorry to leave your _wonderful _house, but the taxi will be here in a minute!

**John **(confused): Dear sister, beg pardon for all my transgressions, tomorrow I'll be a completely changed man! (to his wife) Wait, Gladys – what say you? - a taxi? But who's made the reservation?

**Mrs. John **(modestly): I have, of course.

**John **(in awe): _You _know how to do it! Unbelievable!

**Mrs. John: **You'll see, _darling, _I've got many undiscovered talents! Now off we go – goodbye, everybody! (Drags John out of the room)

**Aunt Millicent: **Well, I guess I'd better join them – it will be less expensive, anyway! Good-bye and thank you, Wendy, James! See you soon! (Takes her leave)

**James: **Incredible – she's just called me by my given name for the first time in nineteen years! You are a miracle-maker, my lady!

**Wendy: **In fact, I did nothing – I believe she's just got her happy thoughts now, thank God! (Chuckles) Jane, my darling, please do come here! _Jane uncertainly approaches them,being confused and still reeling from what has happened._

.....Your father and I missed you so much! And now you are back with us! (_gives her a hug)_

**Jane: **Oh, Mother, Father, do forgive me for my stupid behaviour and my harsh words!

**Wendy **(overwhelmed herself): Oh, my dearest foolish girl! (kisses Jane)

**Jane **(meekly):Father?

**James: **Young lady, you've just had a narrow escape! (Puts his only hand on her shoulder) Now, now, my shrew, don't cry over that flying tragedy! He's not worthy of my Princess' tears... I guess you are going to find much more eligible young men there in Cambridge...

**Wendy&Jane **(not believing their own ears)**: **Cambridge? You said Cambridge?

**Jane: **Why, Pa, I thought you'd never allow me to...

**James: **Never say never, daughter. I do think now that you are really grown-up, you can choose a career after your own heart! And as for that young gentleman by the name of Parkinson, well, I believe I could take the pains to know him better – why not invite him tomorrow for tea, if you still care for him?

**Wendy: **Oh, Lord, thy deeds are truly miraculous!

**Jane : **Oh, Pa, this is really too good to be true – thank you so much! (They both fall into his arms)

**James **(almost confused): There, there, ladies, you'll prove my undoing! What are you thinking of – throwing yourself at a feeble, aged disabled man!

**Wendy: **(laughing): Oh, Vanity, thy name is Stuart!

**Jane **(suddenly frowning)**: **Pa, but what if Charlie doesn't care for me any longer? You see, that Lucy Harker...

**James **(defiant): Who speaks of Lucy Harker? How can a young man in his right mind prefer a solicitor's granddaughter to that of His Majesty Charles II's? Mark my words, Jane Gertrude, if he ever does such a foolish thing, I'll personally keelhaul him! (Makes a scary face)

**Jane: **Well, I don't know much about my geneology, but for one thing I'm certain – I am really proud of being the Captain's daughter! LONG LIVE THE STUARTS - yahooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!! **(danses a jig)**

**End of Act Two**


	7. Epilogue Jane and Moira

_Epilogue.._

_London, the 1960s. The same address, the same flat, the same room._

_In the room we see a young girl – probably a student – about eighteen or so, not beautiful, but rather good-looking, with long curly black hair and forget-me-not eyes. She is dressed in blue jeans and a T-shirt with a slogan "Make love, not war". The girl is dancing in front of the mirror, listening to rather loud sounds of "The Beatles" music._

**The girl: **We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine, yellow submarine...WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE, YELLOW SUBMARINE!

_Four teenage (non-mutant)turtles, named Odds,Bobs,Hammer and Tongs, are jumping up and down, enjoying the music._

_Enters Jane, now in her fifties, but still handsome._

**Jane **(very annoyed): Moira? Moira! MOIRA CORDELIA STUART-PARKINSON, TURN OFF THIS TAPE RECORDER AT ONCE!!! How on Earth can your sister's children go to sleep when their own aunt is making such a Bedlam next door!

**Moira: **Oh, take it easy, Mum – I come home from college on holidays to relax and have a good time, not to be lectured!

**Jane: **Well, I declare! You are thinking only of yourself, selfish and impudent girl! When I was your age...

**Moira **(making the sound lower)**: **Come on, Mum, don't start putting on airs! We both know the truth – you used to be just like me at my age – adventurous, troublemaking and stubborn – a black sheep of the family, buhahaha!

**Jane **(indignant): What nonsense you are talking! Just like you, indeed! _I _was the eldest and...

**Moira **(coaxing)...and I am the youngest and enjoying it! I may be not as nice and pretty and goody-goody as Meg – she really went after Grandma Wendy, nor as smart and bookish as Jim – he should have been Uncle Mike's son, not yours - , but I'm still your own little daughter, Mum! (Hugs Jane)

**Jane **(good-naturedly) : That you are, my spoilt baby!

**Moira: **And while you have my big, good sister and brother to please you, I prefer, for the time being, to enjoy my youth, to be as carefree as possible and have a little fun!

_A loud "Ta-da!". Jane turns horror-stricken, as a shadow appears on the wall near the window._

**Jane **(gasping): Oh, my goodness, that can't be...!

**Moira: **Why, Mum, what's the matter?

**Jane **(trembling): A-a shadow – look on this wall!

**Moira: **And what of it? Really, Mother, for shame – to be afraid of shadows at your age!

**Jane: **But – it's... it's...

**Moira **(annoyed): Lord, what are those grown-ups thinking about! There are so many troubles in modern world – wars, revolutions, deceases, political crisis, people starving in Africa – and our parents are scared out of their wits by phoney shadows! (Dreamingly) Oh, if only Grandpa James was still alive – he would have said a couple of words about it, for sure! (goes on singing): "In the town, where I was born, lived a man, who sailed to sea...."

_A shadow disappears from the room with great haste. The window closes with a loud "Bang!"_

_The curtain goes down._

_Sounds of "Yellow submarine"are giving place to the main musical theme (Rio-Rita)_

**Curtain call**

**FINITA LA COMEDIA!**


End file.
